Log: Day 23
When I weighed 125, I said to myself, “I will NEVER weigh 150.” And when I weighed 163, I said to myself, “I will NEVER weigh 175.” And when I hit 190, I swore I would NEVER weigh 200.” And on it went … until here I am, in the 300’s. As the number went up, my self-esteem plummeted. Each new plateau meant new and bigger clothes, watching the sizes and my waistline expand. Fat stopped me from doing so many things. Fat limited what I could do in my job. Fat ended my marriage. And fat defined me. I never said it out loud, but it’s how I’ve thought of myself for such a long time – fat, end of story. It’s both sad and embarrassing to admit that.
My good friend, Jerri, will remember when I went through an over-the-top weight loss effort in the late 80’s. The funny part to me now is that I think I weighed about 150 when I had a meltdown over being too heavy. So I dieted, and worked out, and ran, and starved. I was pretty vain back then, and appearance mattered greatly to me. By the time I moved to Laramie in 1988, I weighed 125, and stayed at that weight for a while. Then life happened. And somehow food became my coping mechanism. It was my comfort as well as my company. I knew then as I know now – this is not the way to live. But I managed to gain 150 pounds in 15 years. That’s only 10 lbs each year. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? Until you add it all up!
Now I’m wanting to lose those pounds much more quickly than the 15 years it took to gain them!! After all these years, how do I make the sweeping changes? One pound at a time, I guess. I’m not really interested in the body acceptance model to get to the other side. In reality, I’m trying to lose a whole person. When I think about that – I’m the size of two people – it’s almost hard to believe. But that’s the truth.
So, any good news today? Yes, indeed – a very good morning at the pool. It’s such a joy to be nearly pain-free in the pool. I’m always sad to get out – feeling my weight a little more with each step up the ramp. I do seem to have more trouble with my right leg after I’ve worked out. It’s not numb, it just doesn’t work very well, and I tend to stumble with that foot. It’s probably time to consider a trip back to my doctor for a conversation about who I should see for this problem. One thing at a time.
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