When you’re a “fat” girl, body image issues are ever present. Our world is obsessed with weight. You see zero sized models in every magazine, and plus size models who aren’t really plus at all. There’s a constant barrage of diets and weight loss plans, group weight loss, and on it goes. But weight is personal, deeply personal. How we look and feel to ourselves has an impact on our complete sense of self – it’s with us every moment.
Numbers and sizes are pretty subjective. I’m a sturdy sort, and I always get guessed at a lower weight than I am, even at the doctor’s office. Sales people under-guess as well (or they are just being nice). But the numbers do matter. They matter when I choose not to get on the scale, or when I avoid shopping. But really, I’m the only one who can decide what I want to do or not do about my weight. No one else should tell me what to do. But as I’ve said before, people make it their business to at least judge and remark about it. Now, as I work on my diet plan, I find myself marinating in a sea of numbers … pounds, calories, ounces, cups.
When I made the major decision to start this journey, I realized I could either find a path to being a happy fat girl, or finally deal with losing this extra 100+ pounds. It’s a harder choice than you would think – or maybe not – I like to eat! I enjoy good food, a new restaurant, new and favorite flavors, a quiet dinner with friends, family gatherings, snacks. But could I ever be happy carrying around an extra person (yes, that’s really how many pounds)? Or was I finally going to lose weight and keep it off?
I knew that “accepting it” wasn’t really an option. I wasn’t happy with how I looked. All of my clothes were sacks with elastic. My activities were limited and I avoided pictures at all costs. My extra weight was affecting every moment of my life, even sleep. I’m sure Carol was tired of hearing me complain about my weight. I apologized for it every time I traveled. However, stepping into the journey required real commitment – an honest pledge to be tenacious in my pursuit of weight loss.
These pounds snuck up on me. It’s sounds silly, but it’s true. Amidst a demanding job, a busy life, lack of exercise, and my own inability to control “everything,” the thing I stopped controlling was how much and what I was eating. I have no-one to blame but myself, and that makes me a little sad. How did I let this happen? I say that to myself pretty frequently. But now I’ve made the decision, and it’s getting better. Not every day, but mostly. And I’m proud to be trying, really trying, in a way I haven’t in years.
I chose my own path in this process of losing weight. I decided on the 117 pounds – not randomly, by the way – which will get me into the world of under 200. I’m not thinking I’ll ever get back to a size 10. Ten and I were friends long ago, but I have to be realistic about what I believe I can achieve. The other decisions – I’m not going to starve myself, I’m not going to eat anything I find gross or icky (e.g. kale), and I’m going to try and be satisfied with the outcome. I wanted to be healthy and feel better.
Before I started my weight-loss journey, I knew I had to make myself the priority. Sometimes that’s hard. Life things just get in the way. I’ve had a difficult couple of weeks. Staying with a healthy way of eating through every part of every day is hard. Have I said that about 20 times already? People have suggested I should not be using such a restricted diet. But honestly, it’s all food I want and can live with. The challenge boils down to one thing – sticking with it! All the whole grains, fruits, vegetables, salads, and lean meats aren’t a bad thing. I just have other cravings. Sigh.
Anyway, I had a good wok-out at the pool today, I’m not quite to my step goal yet, and I’m just glad to be doing this for myself. I couldn’t live with the extra pounds any more – so reset and moving forward!