Fat people should stop being fat. Right? Well, I’m the first to admit that there is nothing fun about being fat! My joints hurt. I worry about every aspect of my day. I’m daunted by staircases. Any warm temperature warrants near nudity. Clothes shopping is a stress level unto itself. And tying shoes has given over to velcro.
But I think a more difficult aspect of being fat is also being a social pariah – subject to all kinds of cruelty. I had an angry driver pull alongside me once and shout, “Get your fat-ass out of the way!” A parent of one of my students suggested, “Get your fat ass out of the chair and help my daughter.” (a girl, by the way, I went out of my way for). My ex-husband yelled, “You care more about a cheese-burger than you do this marriage.” (did he think this was going to help in any way? and I don’t even eat cheese) I’ve even had a grocery cashier hold up an item to say, “Did you notice there’s a low-calorie version of this?” Sadly, these are not unusual examples. I worry about it every time I go out the door.
People behave as if I don’t know I’m overweight. I wonder if they think I will suddenly “realize” I’m fat, and rush out to sign up for a weight loss plan? I’ve often said if being mean to me about being fat would result in weight loss, I’d be a skinny in no time. Perhaps the “un-fat” need to put themselves in my place? Imagine what it feels like to have everyone judge you for your body, and then blurt it out in some mean-spirited rant. What is the hoped-for outcome, I wonder? I know when admonitions come from family or my doctor they aren’t talking about how I look, they are talking about my health. Regardless, I am reminded of all the future moments when my own body image will be shaped by the reflection in other’s eyes. It’s not like I haven’t noticed, over the past 25 years, that I’ve gotten fat! It does not come at a surprise and only bolsters my “I hate how I look” psyche. It’s clearly an issue for me as I’ve dedicated more than one blog to this topic
Just a reminder to anyone who hasn’t heard: body shaming does not work! If anything, it makes things worse – you feel bad so you just want to go eat something (comfort food issues)! It’s as though weighing in (ha ha) on a fat person’s plumpness is some form of intervention to encourage “good choices” for someone who could not otherwise make them on their own. I have a friend whose daughter always says she’s been on a diet since she was 9. That’s 29 years of guilt-by-obesity. Her parents are both tall and thin, and have a limited understanding of why she can’t “do something about it.” They give her diet tips, and weight-loss studies, tell her she’s wearing clothes that aren’t attractive for “a girl her size,” and constantly remind her of the health risks of being obese. But more than that, they’ve made her “feel bad” about being fat nearly every day of her life for 38 years. Think on that.
On the other hand, teaching a young person to make good eating choices early on is not a bad thing. Obesity can start early and be a life-long source of hurts. Teaching, with kindness and support, is entirely different than forcing by shame. Truly, if I could spare anyone from obesity, I would do it. We can’t fight our genetics or our body type, but we can be conscientious purveyors of health and happiness, even if that means walking away from certain foods, and making others our friends. Some people would say it’s just a matter of willpower …
Yes, “willpower” – always a pert of any diet conversation. From exercise videos to diet pills, everyone touts, “Boost your willpower … “ So here’s the thing about willpower and fat people: it takes courage to BE in the world when you’re a fat person. A fat person is aware, every moment, of the willpower it takes to participate. When friends go to an event that requires walking, we walk alongside them, pretending we’re not pained by the 200 excess pounds. We go into a restaurant afraid that there will be no roomy seats and tables knowing we can’t possible wedge into a booth. We watch others eat tasty meals while we forage through our salad, refuse the dessert (and then snack when we get home). We say we have “other plans” when we know we just don’t want the embarrassment associated with some new location or large groups of people who give us that look.
I don’t believe willpower or inner strength is missing in a fat person. We have the inner strength to manage our day-to-day business in a fat-unfriendly world. But there’s a lot to be said about choice. No fat person wants to be fat. And I’m pretty certain every fat person has tried to diet. Every over-weight person I know has tried some kind of weight-reduction scheme or other – low-fat, low-carb, all-lettuce, grapefruit, 7-day, cider vinegar, liquid protein, vitamin “shake,” restricted food, extreme exercise – you get the picture. It’s not as though we are fat because we’ve never tried to be otherwise. The reasons vary from genetics to circumstance, but in the end, it’s truly is a matter of so many choices.
So what about choices? When does a fat person say enough, is enough? Through the dozens of diets I’ve tried in my life, the pattern and results were basically the same: lose weight, plateau, give up. Food is constantly on your mind. I have a friend who dieted her way to 125 (from 195). She wanted to be 110, and literally ate only fruit for five days to help “jump start” the remaining pounds. What is that?! It’s not healthy, that’s what. But choice is about mindset. What do you want to achieve? How ready are you, really, to change your entire life-style in order to be smaller?
So what brought me to this day … to my “enough, is enough?” One hundred ten pounds is way below what I’m striving for (honestly, I’ll be happy at 200), but the challenge is the same. And a life-style change that includes diet is a constant … it’s overwhelming, and exhausting, and sometimes even painful. But I realized my life, as I was living it, was also painful – for both my body and my spirit. I can’t banish all interest in pounds and inches, because I need to see my successes. And, too, I have to reassert that I will not care what outsiders think or say. I will treat my food/activity life with commitment, choosing and evaluating, checking off the entries via MyFitnessPal and FitBit, and responding to my needs according to my “life plan.” And, finally, I will take my 30 minutes per meal to chew, swallow … and pursue a smaller tomorrow!