May I be frank? Being fat is just hard. I truly believe that people who never struggle with weight have no clue how difficult this is. I can’t watch shows like The Biggest Loser, because I find the fat-shaming and “hollering for motivation” really troublesome. I’m sure the winners are thrilled over their weight loss, but does it last? And what about the ones who can’t get it done? People become hermits and even take their lives over the shame of obesity. And every day I have to face something or other that makes me embarrassed or sad regarding my fat body. Sunday was one of those days … I had a melt down over trying to select clothes for my upcoming trip to DC. I have to have business/business casual, and I’ve gotten rid of most of my school clothes. So … I tried on the outfit I wore to my Mom’s funeral – too tight; I tried on the one I wore to my aunt Marg’s funeral – too big; I tried on things I wore last summer to DC, and everything just looked stupid.
I’m very conscientious about how I dress as a fat person. I try to wear things that look slimming, colors that are muted or soft, minimal patterns. But this time I was overwhelmed. After a flood of tears and tirades, I remembered my brief morning conversation with my sister, who said she gotten some great deals at Catherine’s. So, off we went (to the Catherine’s on Colfax, not in Texas). It’s a really nice store and very helpful sales people (there’s a happy ending coming). After trying on a multitude of options, I made some great purchases, with amazing discounts, and now can pack without stress (or hysterics).
Now it’s Monday, and I really do have to get packed and ready to go. And that brings me to my second hard-to-be-fat fact for today. Traveling – it, too, is just plain hard. I can’t walk the distances in the airport without ending up in unmanageable pain, so I use the wheelchair service. But I see how they look at me when they realize they have to push me. I’ve been in airports where some of the staff will avoid pushing a heavy person. I’m a generous tipper because I feel badly that they have to push me at all. All-in-all, it’s depressing. Then it’s on to the plane. I have to fly business class to fit in the seats, I always have to ask for a belt extension, and when I fly alone I can’t really have the meal service because I can’t open the tray. Many times on the return trip, I have to wait for as much as an hour to get a wheelchair or electric cart ride to baggage. Again, really life discouraging.
Let’s top that all off with the fact that I only lost .6 lbs this week. This is not on my track of 2 lbs per week!!! Agh. Everyone says I should be glad to lose anything, or at least I’m not gaining. But honestly, that doesn’t feel any better. I’m trying to regroup my enthusiasm as I set out on a week of “eat carefully while you travel.” That’s my reality for today …