Day 12 – I’m Round

My mom used to get troubled if I referred to myself as “fat.” She always said we should use a nicer word, like “round.” Funny part about that is … I am round. Overweight people are described with many interesting terms, including shapes. But I do have a generally round appearance. I carry my weight in the front – same width from front or side. I think I started using “fat” to eliminate the possibility of someone else using it. As though if I said it first, it wouldn’t seem so bad.

But the truth is, being described as “fat” is hurtful. Period. The looks up and down, or blatant stares. Several years ago I was at the Walmart in Laramie. The checkout lines were quite long (no self-check yet). When I got to the cashier, she was having problems with her register. She was halfway through my order and couldn’t get anything to work. Everyone was getting impatient. There was a woman behind me in line – interesting spray of blonde braids popping from the top of her head and a squalling child in her basket – she was on her phone. She said, loudly, “I will, if this fat lady ahead of me will ever get done.” I turned toward her, and with all the “Mrs. Steele” (choir student reference) I have in me, I lectured her. I spoke about kindness and respect, name calling, passive bullying … I went on and on, gathered a bit of a crowd, and finished with her sputtering an apology. I finished my order, went to my car … and cried.

When Carol and I went to Hawaii, I had just recently fallen. Moving around was difficult, so I opted to rent a wheelchair in order for us to do some of the things we’d planned. One of our evenings included a luau. When we were leaving through a large crowd, Carol was helping me manage in the chair. An older fellow sitting on a bench looked toward us and said to his companion, “Can you imagine having to push that?” I don’t know if he intended me to hear, but I just turned and glared. Teacher stare can be intimidating – he looked away. We went to the car, … and I cried.

I suppose I judge, too, in different ways. When I see other larger people, I wonder if that’s how I look. Or am I bigger than this person or that? Or if I see a large person struggle with something, I know that’s how I must look. But I think I also have a great deal of compassion. Perhaps living this has made it so. In a society that prizes looks, a big person can’t help feel less than acceptable. So yes, that’s a big part of my motivation, to just feel better about myself. To fit in … and I mean that literally. Fitting in a seat. Fitting in clothes. But also fitting into the world. But for the moment … I’m round.

Menu update: Today includes pancakes. I don’t do pancakes. But I do waffles. I have started using the frozen variety, whole grain. Just pop them in the toaster. Very easy and no waste. I add fresh raspberries for a little extra flavor.

http://sansbs.net/menu-day-12/